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If you’re
going through a divorce, you are no stranger to hurt, anger and
fear. Most likely, you’ve leaned on your friends for support.
But the death of a “couples” friendship can leave your friends
bereft and confused. Caught up in your own drama, you might not
see your friend’s anguish. They need support, too, as they
struggle to accept the end of your marriage and reshape their
relationship with you as an individual.
Here’s
how to help your friends through your divorce:
1. Give
Your Friends Talk Time
As with
every major life-changing event, it helps to talk. Sure, you
want them to hear how you feel, but take time to listen to them
too. Set aside time to talk—an uninterrupted telephone call,
coffee at Starbucks, or invite them to
your home. This meeting can be awkward, so it’s up to you to
take charge. Focus the conversation: “I know you are struggling
with my divorce. It would be wonderful if we could help each
other through this!”
2.
Ask Them To Support You, Not “Fix You”
Your
friends want to help. But often they don’t know how. So tell
them what you need (I would love to be invited to
your dinner party, please refer me to a financial
planner). Also let them know what you don’t need them to do:
solve your problems, suggest new careers or other “you shoulds.”
Tell them: “I welcome your help, but you are not responsible
for fixing me. That’s my job!”
3.
Share Lessons Learned and Explanations for the “Curious”
No doubt
your friends want to know, “What happened?” It’s human nature to
want the low-down on your failed marriage. A good way to head
off unwanted questions is to simply say: “Out of respect for
our long-term marriage, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to go into
detail.”
But beyond
curiosity, your friends may feel vulnerable as a result of your
divorce. Is there something they can learn from your divorce
that will strengthen their marriage? If so, share that. You’ll
feel good about offering support to your friends at a time when
you are depending on their support.
4.
Focus On the Future
Let your
friends know that their dwelling on your divorce doesn’t help
you or them. If your friends are stuck in the past (“I
still can’t believe he left you”)
and can’t get beyond their anger or resentment, steer them
firmly into the future: “I value our long-time friendship and
I’d like to share the future—not just the past—with you.”
5.
Reassure Them: It’s Not Their Job to Keep You and Your “Ex”
Apart
Divorce
breeds awkward social moments. Who should they invite to the
annual holiday party or the wedding? Let your friends know that
you understand their concerns: “It’s okay to
invite Joe to this year’s holiday party; I hope
you’ll invite me next year.”
When your
marriage falls apart, it’s important to hold on to your
friends. Supporting your friends through your divorce will
guarantee your friendships a solid future
To find out about Judy’s unique coaching program, click on
LEARN MORE.
Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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