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In my work as a divorce coach, I have
formulated a three-step process for creating a new life after
divorce: Step One:
Overcome emotional challenges
Step Two:
Decide what kind of life
you want
Step Three:
Take action to get the life you want -
the life you
deserve
………………………………………………………………………………….
OVERCOMING EMOTIONAL BARRIERS
Perhaps the most difficult step is the first one: Coming to
terms with the emotional issues that are blocking your path to a
new life. I know from experience how hard it is to get past the
anger, guilt, anxiety, loss of self-esteem — and dozens of other
emotions that can accompany divorce. However, I have also
learned from experience, that it is well-nigh impossible to
create a happy, fulfilling life until you get ‘your arms around’
those negative feelings.
In my work as a divorce coach, I have
helped many women overcome emotional obstacles. Every person is
unique, so I design programs to address the specific needs of
each individual. I’ll give you some examples …
My client, Eleanor (not her real name),
was stuck in a range of negative emotions – from grief and anger
to loss of self-confidence. She couldn’t move on, of course,
because she couldn’t get past the emotional blocks.
ENGAGE IN RITUALS
Eleanor and I designed a divorce ritual to help her stop
‘clinging‘ to her marriage. In her head, she simply kept denying
the divorce. I had Eleanor dig a hole in the ground, so we could
bury the wedding keepsakes she had maintained. The burial thus
represented ‘the death’ of her marriage. Eleanor was now ready
to move forward.
FOCUS ON STRENGTHS
In my work with her on self-confidence, I helped Eleanor find
ways to capitalize on her strengths. [To determine those
strengths, I asked her to complete the VIA Signature Strengths
Survey @
http://authentichappiness.org
PRACTICE MEDITATION
To begin the process of focusing her thoughts in a positive,
rather than a continually negative direction, Eleanor and I
developed a routine for brief evening meditation(s). Following
each meditation, I asked that Eleanor list three positive things
that occurred that day. In our meetings together, we talked
about the role she played in each of those instances.
THOUGHT-STOPPING
Although, in Eleanor’s case, the techniques described above were
very helpful, she continued to be ‘paralyzed’ by a recurring
thought, “How could he leave me with no warning?” To address
this particular condition, I used a behavior modification
technique called “thought stopping”. The technique involved the
use of an unpleasant noise – the slapping of a ruler – to
desensitize Eleanor to her negative feelings.
During a coaching session, I asked Eleanor
to repeat the question (How could he leave me with no warning?),
slapping a ruler loudly on the desk when she spoke the last word
of the sentence (warning). I then had her repeat the sentence,
moving the thought-stopping interruption back, one word at a
time. I suggested that Eleanor practice this routine at home
whenever she began to have that painful thought.
Over time, Eleanor discovered that she
came to associate the noise with the thought. In effect, she
‘heard’ the slap of the ruler before she got to the first word
(How). Eleanor continued this practice until she eliminated this
thought. She had gained control and was again ready to move on.
There is no one formula for neutralizing
emotions. As you can see from the examples above, I use a
variety of techniques to help you accomplish this task. The good
news here is that painful feelings can, indeed, be defused!
Get
personal help in a Divorce Coaching Club. Click
HERE
to learn more.
Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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