Author, W. Bradford Swift wrote a compelling
article about how we can manage vicious cycles we can all become
trapped in. He refers to them as ‘downward spirals of life’.
Since we are usually surrounded by debilitating emotions after
divorce, I thought Swift’s ideas were particularly relevant
here. He starts the article with these words, “Here are a few
simple and effective steps you can use to free yourself of such
life-sucking periods:”
- NOTICE THE SPIRAL YOU’RE IN
-As is so often true, awareness is the first step to
intervention. Much of the power of a downward spiral comes as a
result of our continuing to be unaware of the direction of our
life. Swift explains, “Like a whirlpool, a downward spiral’s
power picks up strength and speed the longer we’re in it.” It
follows, then, that the sooner we become aware we’re trapped in
such a spiral, the easier it will be to change the direction of
our life. Swift offers a positive focus, “It’s often helpful to
remember that a downward spiral – reversed – becomes a spiral of
fulfillment instead.
- ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FULLY
PRESENT -As soon as you become aware of the vicious
cycle that imprisons you, try to notice what is happening from a
detached position. Swift suggests that one simple way to do this
is to imagine you are in a movie theater, reviewing a movie
called, The Story of My Life. Be observant.
- CONSCIOUSLY RELEASE DISEMPOWERING
THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS -As you begin to dissect this
downhill succession of things, it will fortify you to let go of
destructive thoughts and emotions. Here, Swift proposes that you
envision a large bottomless trash can in front of you - into
which you toss each thought and every emotion that is attached
to them. Another technique is to write all those things down on
paper, then burn the list – as a way of releasing those thoughts
and emotions from their hold on you.
- RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO
‘INDULGE’ YOURSELF -Don’t become enveloped in the drama
of the movie, The Story of My Life. Remember: There is no point
to watching it over and over and over again. This action will
only suck you in further. Swift encourages you to ‘observe’ and
‘move on’.
- COMMIT TO CHANGING DIRECTIONS
-You could write down your pledge to yourself to change things.
You could also deepen the commitment by sharing it with a
friend, a family member, or your coach. …….Do what it takes to
make it happen.
- THE ELEMENTS OF A DOWNWARD SPIRAL
-When you recognize that the basic elements of a vicious cycle
are negative emotions, you make it easier to change its
direction. Know that such things as doubt, worry, jealousy,
anger, fear, frustration, etc. come together to shape the way
you think of yourself (e.g., a failure, unlovable, etc.). Who
you think you are affects the actions you take, which ultimately
determines the life you have. Dissect the composition of the
downward spirals in your life and ‘go after’ each one.
- HOW THE LAW OF ATTRACTION APPLIES
TO THE DIRECTION OF THE SPIRAL -The Law of Attraction
states that “Like attracts like.” Thus, emotions like doubt and
worry will attract more thoughts like it. However, the same is
true of thoughts of love and abundance. As I have said, in words
to this effect, in many earlier posts on this blog, “Change your
thoughts, and you change the direction of the downward spiral.”
- PATIENCE AND PERSISTENCE
- You must recognize that you didn’t get into that downward
spiral overnight, so you can’t expect that changing its
direction will take place immediately. Keep in mind that it will
take time before you see evidence that your downward spiral has
become a spiral of fulfillment. Trust that it will be so.
- BE ‘ON WATCH’ FOR THE TURNAROUND
-Swift encourages us to continue looking for physical evidence
that the turnaround process is working. He says, “Don’t wonder
if the process is working, start with the mindset that the
evidence is already there and your job is to find it – like a
detector.”
- CELEBRATE! -At some
point you will know that the turnaround is complete. Swift
encourages taking the time to acknowledge what you’ve learned
from the experience and recognize the accomplishment you have
made. You have made major progress along a purposeful path to
your new life. Celebrate; celebrate; celebrate!
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Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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