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How Could They Do That to Me?
I have heard often in my coaching practice about the shock (and
dismay) a divorced person feels when they find their old friends
don’t relate to them in the same way they did before the
divorce. “How could my divorce change our (long-term, solid)
relationship?” they want to know. Harder still to comprehend was
the discovery that a good friend had chosen to ‘take sides’ with
their ex. The reaction I heard was commonly, “How could they do
this to me?” ...So, I did some investigating in that regard and
came up with a surprising finding: A non-divorced friend often
feels exactly the same way as the divorced friend; i.e., “How
could they do that to me”?! With the
permission of all those involved, I interviewed the friends of
several divorced individuals. Here is what they told me:
It Breeds Insecurity
“It always comes as a shock to hear that my friends are
divorcing, especially because it seems as if it is the good,
solid marriages that are coming apart.” It breeds insecurity.
‘If Mary and Jim are divorcing (and they had such a good
marriage!) – what about my marriage, which has its share of
bumps and wrinkles? I feel fragile. Is my marriage in jeopardy?”
Feelings of Grief
Some friends expressed grief. They said that the end of their
friends’ marriage felt like death. (Note: Indeed it is – the
death of a friendship) This feeling seemed to be more pronounced
if the marriage and the friendship were long-term. It was like
they never thought of the couple as individuals as much as a
single unit: bobandmary, johnandvivian.
Taking ‘Sides’
Friends said things like, “What about all the good times we had
together?” We wanted to keep having those good times; we didn’t
want to have to redefine and reestablish two new relationships.”
Others went on to explain that, in effect, establishing
relationships with john AND Mary proved to be awkward. For their
own comfort, they ended up ‘choosing sides’. They felt sad, they
said, that one of their friends had suddenly gone out of their
lives.
Things Can Get ‘Tricky’
The couples who did remain friends with both people said things
were often ‘tricky’. For instance, ‘Should they invite John or
Vivian to the party?’ ‘Invite them both and let them sort it
out?’
What About “Step Friends”?
And then there came problems with ‘step friends’ – the man or
woman’s new significant other. Sometimes old friends simply
didn’t like the new significant other. (“He left Mary for her?”)
At the very least, they found that the step friend limited
discussions because they didn’t have a shared history. “He
doesn’t remember the great New Year’s party; he wasn’t part of
our annual family camping trips; she doesn’t know any of our
mutual friends.”
Often the step friend was measured against
the former spouse and judged ‘not up to standard’ - “not as
sharp, not as good sense of humor, drinks too much.” Many times,
people resented the step friend simply because they took the
place of their old friend(s).
When the going got too tough, the couple (i.e., the friend and
the new step friend), were both dismissed from people’s lives.
Friends Try to Help
One of the women I interviewed put it best when she said, “I try
to support my friends as they go through the upheaval of
divorce. But sometimes I feel like I need help too!”
To find out about Judy’s unique coaching program, click on
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Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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