Moving On
‘Moving on’, especially when contemplating a new life after
divorce, requires a significant first step: Getting your
emotions under control. “And, how do you do that? - you may ask.
…..It seems like a monumental task.”
The Mind Game
The major focus in handling emotions is on the thought process.
As I said in an earlier article, it’s a ‘mind game’. Change your
thinking, and you can literally transform your life. I have
addressed some ways to accomplish such changes in the paragraphs
that follow.
Being Busy is Good
The most common alternative to harmful thinking is formally
called, “active diversion”. In truth, it’s simply about “keeping
busy”. The way to stop dwelling on negative thoughts is by
refocusing them on positive thoughts, such as those that are
associated with pleasurable activities. Any healthy activity
that gives you satisfaction falls into this category. For
example: cooking, walking, reading, being with friends - even
cleaning (if that turns you on!)
Experience the Emotional Boost
We’ve all heard this idea a hundred times over: There is no
better way to cope with distress than exercise. I can’t
emphasize this alternative enough. In my own case, I had plenty
of excuses that I thought were valid —“It’s too hard to start”;
“I don’t have time”; “I’m too tired right now”; and (my best
one), “I’m too old to start exercising”. Actually, unless
you have a medical condition that is not under control, there is
no valid reason not to exercise. You can set up a worthwhile
routine that takes only 15 minutes, twice-a-day. By the way - in
this day and age - I always find other mature folks working out
at the health club with me.
Not only does exercise result in better
health and fitness, the emotional boost that comes from exercise
is terrific. The more you experience that boost, the easier it
becomes to ‘kick start’ your body when your thought patterns go
astray. I urge you to consider the title Oprah Winfrey’s
trainer, Bob Greene, gave one of his books, Get With the
Program. It sure works!
‘Chill Out’
Another way to handle emotions is by relaxing. A mere ten
minutes of concentrated relaxation every day can help change -
not only your physical state - but your thought processes as
well. It’s easy to do: Get into a comfortable position, in a
quiet place, and (as I described in an article titled “Fear”),
focus on deep muscle relaxation and deep breathing. When you
practice relaxation regularly, you are able to control your
emotions and react with calmer responses when you need to.
Inject a Dose of Reality
Still another technique for changing patterns of thought is one
that Drs. James Prochaska and his colleagues recommend in their
book, Changing for Good. They label the remedial
practice, ‘counterthinking’ - which they say can replace
troubled thoughts with more positive ones. They suggest that
instead of “becoming anxious by allowing distressing thoughts,
we should counter those thoughts with doses of reality.” [Note:
Anxiety (especially over finances) was always a powerfully
negative thought for me. I still have to work on controlling it.]
Dr. Prochaska offers some examples of ‘counterthinking’.
For instance, “An airplane crash is awful; the sinking of the
Titanic was terrible. On the other hand, an angry ex-spouse is
unpleasant, but not horrific. …….By counterthinking in this way,
you can allow molehills to remain molehills, instead of becoming
mountains.” I found that it helps to keep this fact in mind: “By
repeatedly practicing counterthinking, you increase your
capability for self-change”. I felt that that axiom was a
particularly potent one.
“Slow and Steady Wins the
Race”
A final word here: Undergoing change is not a simple act – so
take it slowly. Patience and persistence are key behavioral
requirements. [Note: In my own case, I considered
‘persistence’ to be somewhat of an understatement. That is to
say, I often found - in the face of all that was going on – that
I needed the tenacity of a pit bull to maintain my self-change
process.]
Remember that ‘moving on’ must be handled
gradually. Take a step-by-step approach, and (my best
suggestion), reward yourself frequently.
You can do this; and, once you do, you
will find the results to be so rewarding!
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Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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