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After I stopped denying that my marriage of 37
years was not working, I chose to end my marriage to a man who
loved me and to strike out on my own – to create the life I
wanted. My Reactions
Although my immediate reaction to the finalization of the
divorce was a feeling of relief, I soon began to ask myself,
“What have I done?”, “I am totally on my own (at this age); how
in the world will I make it?”, “Am I crazy”???
Today I know that I did exactly what I
needed to do; that I am indeed able to function successfully (at
this age), and that I am not crazy. And, in case you were
wondering, neither are those of you who are in my situation.
A Surprising Statistic
Right away, I joined a divorce support group for women. (Note: I
highly recommend participation in a group like this!) Before I
got to the initial meeting, I had convinced myself that I would
be its oldest member. But, I kept urging myself to think
positively, to assure myself that I would find a way to fit in
anyhow. ……Boy, was I surprised: I discovered that I was not a
‘stand-out’, but that most of the group were women my age!
Now that I have engaged in more research on this topic and have
coached numbers of divorced mature women, I learned that ending
a marriage later in life is not unusual. In fact, divorce rates
for those people who are 50- or even 60-plus are steadily on the
rise. I think this statistic is due, in large part, to the fact
that divorce - within the last ten years - is no longer the
social disgrace it once was.
An Even More Surprising
Statistic
In a recent article in the Canada Association for Retired
Persons magazine, author Lisa Bendall supplies an additional
point to the later-in-life divorce statistic. She says that –
“although we often hear of men leaving longtime partners because
they found younger women - more and more, these later-life
divorces are led by women who want out. If women are unhappy
with their husbands; if they find that he’s cheating or
drinking, or that he just won’t pick up his socks, women are
walking away. In the past, women turned a blind eye to all of
that because they thought the costs were too great. “As women
are becoming empowered now, they no longer put up with that
stuff.”
‘Grey Divorces’ Are Simpler –
Right?
Let me point out that even though I was ‘right there’- with
women who wanted out- guilt almost overtook me at the time. I
was leaving an older man to fend for himself, and in my case, a
man who fended poorly. I worried about hurting my adult
children. What would they think once they found out the family
structure they had known all their lives was one that had
actually been teetering on the brink of disaster: Would they be
disillusioned? Angry? Worried that their own marriages might not
survive? My children could answer, “Yes” to all those questions.
Since I was an older woman and my children
were grown adults, I thought I would be spared the intensity of
divorce agonies suffered by younger folks because I didn’t have
to deal with such enormous issues like child support, custody,
step-parenting, and the like. Not so. Even though I initiated
the split, I still had to work through a myriad of feelings -
grief, depression, anxiety, anger, fear, etc. – same as everyone
else.
Compounded Fears
Those of you currently experiencing the emotions that accompany
divorce, likely feel that, in this stage of life, those emotions
are compounded by additional fears, such as “What will happen
when I am sick?” “After all these years of being with someone
else, will I be terribly lonely on my own?” “If I want to
remarry, will the ‘good ones’ already be taken?”
In my case, I also experienced a great
deal of anxiety over the financial challenges imposed on me by
the divorce. I was unaware and totally unprepared. I had never
handled any of the family’s finances. (I still have trouble
balancing my checkbook!) Seemingly in a heartbeat, my life had
shifted from financially comfortable to financially squeezed.
So, How Do You Deal?
Regardless of the agonies she describes, Bendall closes her
article on an upbeat note – one that I wholeheartedly share. She
writes, “Despite the many challenges of ‘grey divorce’, it does
have a silver lining or two. Many divorced people over 50 look
at the experience as an opportunity for personal growth. After
all, they shape their own futures.”
The end of the CARP article offers some
suggestions for moving on:
- Reclaim your identity as an
individual and pursue personal interests.
- Explore personal growth: face your
fears, remember your successes and boost your
self-confidence.
- Consider joining a support group.
Follow-up: You “Should”—— But
I “Couldn’t”
The suggestions listed above are indeed behaviors you must
acquire in order to move on successfully. I, for one, had great
difficulty accomplishing all that on my own. I was too shocked
by the trauma I was experiencing to even think about ‘reclaiming
my individual identity, exploring personal growth, and boosting
my self-confidence.’ I needed help, but help was not available.
After struggling through all the
challenges on my own, I felt a great need to share what I
learned - in the way of advice and support for those who want to
thrive after divorce. Since completing my training as a life
coach, I organize and facilitate divorce coaching groups for
women over 50. I am proud to now be the one to offer help to
mature women struggling to create their new lives.
Get
personal help in a Divorce Coaching Club. Click
HERE
to learn more.
Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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