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Holidays and other special occasions can be
times of stress for the best of us; for a divorced woman,
however, feelings usually climb above that level. Because of
former (now lost) traditions that we associate with the
occasion, these can become times of marked unhappiness. In the
article below, I offer holiday survival tips. I hope the
suggestions will help you reduce the power of these negative
emotions, so that you can focus positively on building a new
life – with new traditions.
Emotional Control: Focus on Your Thoughts
These suggestions on ways to focus apply throughout the divorce
recovery process, but they are particularly applicable at such
difficult times as these:
- Recognize the hard fact that you have
choices. That is to say, you can choose to allow the
holidays to overcome you, or you can fiercely choose to
overcome this despair. (More on specific ways to cope
in a bit …..)
- Given that many of the people
involved, and the things they are doing at such times, seem
to be out of our control, thoughts during holidays and
special occasions become more scattered than usual.
Therefore, at distressing times like these, it is far more
productive to focus on the one person whose actions you can
control – focus on YOU.
- Focus on your future. Envision the
life you want from now on, and start planning it. Don’t
limit yourself. As nineteenth century writer, Johann von
Goethe, once said, “If you can dream it, you can do it.”
….What a positive way to focus!
Planning in Advance
Give yourself the edge by planning coping strategies in
advance. Planning at the last minute gives you less control
over the situation and produces greater stress. In fact, I
recommend putting your plans in writing. Such a document seems
to make your ideas more definite and gives you the feeling that
you have something ‘sturdy’ you can depend on.
By the way, in case plans don’t work out,
be sure to have some contingency plans in place. You will feel
far more comfortable knowing that you have things under control
– for sure.
Give Notice
Once plans are in place, share them with the extended family and
friends involved. It is much better to give ‘notice’, than to
try to have folks change conflicting plans at the last minute.
This strategy offers a way to ‘keep peace’ during these times of
heightened tension.
Let’s be honest: holiday traditions
involve work. At such a difficult time in your life, it would
be wise to keep things simple. See how much you can let go of.
You will be glad you did.
Begin your new life: Start new
traditions
New traditions might include:
- Being of service – serving holiday
meals at a community shelter, for example, is not only a
useful undertaking, it is a mission that distinctly
increases feelings of self-worth. …..What a meaningful
tradition to initiate!
- Not being bound by the calendar.
Remember that a holiday or a special occasion is a day like
any other day. You can start the tradition of celebrating
the ‘main event’ the night before the actual date, late the
afternoon of, or during the following weekend. What does it
matter – really??
Don’t Supress Your Feelings
Our culture implies that it is ‘heroic’ to suppress negative
feelings. ….It is not. Realize that you are not alone and that
such heavy feelings are normal! It would be
far more productive to accept those feelings and find ways to
overcome these emotional hurdles.
Handling the ‘Blues’
- Journaling - Write
out your feelings. Journaling has been shown to be an
especially effective way to free yourself of negative
emotions.
- Talk to a Friend -
You may resist this proposal if you feel such a request
would be an imposition. Abandon that idea! People, by
nature, like to help. Make it easy for your friend: Convey
that you don’t need them to ‘fix’ you. Let them know that
you simply want to be with someone who can offer a caring
environment and a willingness to listen. Make them aware of
the immeasurable feeling of support their positive response
would provide. Allowing someone to do this simple thing
will make that person feel exceptionally good about
themselves; they will be pleased to help – (especially) a
good friend like you.
- Become a Volunteer -
As I mentioned earlier, doing volunteer work can bring true
joy. Besides, working with people who are needy enables you
to appreciate how fortunate you really are – in spite of
what divorce has inflicted upon you.
- Exercise - Much has
been written about the value of exercising, and I am sure
you have ‘heard it all’. However, since exercise is an
issue relevant to the topic of this article, I will devote a
minimum amount of space here – to simply review the positive
outcomes of a fitness plan:
- Exercise increases strength and
energy.
- Exercise reduces the effects of
stress on our bodies.
- Exercise slows down the effects
of aging. …..and, if all that weren’t enough –
- Exercise causes the brain to
release endorphins - which bring about an extraordinary
sense of well-being and self-esteem.
- ‘Nuf said.
- Nurture Yourself -
The post-divorce era is a time to become familiar with
your needs and desires. Since, up until now, you likely
have focused largely on the needs of others, you may have
lost touch with the most important relationship of all – the
relationship to yourself. These special days on the calendar
are filled with troubling emotions. Use this time, then, to
reestablish your relationship with you.
Nurture yourself. [No,
it is not an act of selfishness.] If you are worn and
emotionally spent you can be of little help to yourself. —-
Put fresh flowers around your home; light candles at your
dinner table; or do something especially nurturing –
get a massage!
- Cultivate an Attitude of
Gratitude - Gratitude, in general, quiets the
mind. It could be said that gratitude ‘clears the lens’
through which you view life. Some think that the more
grateful you are, the more that is given you.
……Think of things relating to life with
your former spouse that you can be grateful for — and there are
some!
Draw Up an Action Plan
Any time I spend with my clients always ends with a plan of
action. Your holiday Action Plan might center on how you would
accomplish measures presented in this article. For example:
What will you do? When/Where will the activity take place? Who
is involved in your plans? How/when will you communicate your
plan to those involved? Do you have contingency plans?
And, most important of all ……. What will you do to take care
of yourself?!
My wish for you now: That you are able to
handle your holidays with ease and that
MANY BLESSINGS COME YOUR WAY……
YOU HAVE LOVE TO SHARE,
HEALTH TO SPARE,
AND FRIENDS THAT CARE .
Get
personal help in a Divorce Coaching Club. Click
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Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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