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What is Happiness?
In spite of the vast array of medical and scientific
research available to us now in the 21st century, we
still know relatively little about what happiness is. It is
hard to define it in specific terms.
Happy People Define
Happiness
Intrigued by the
challenge of trying to determine the true nature of happiness,
researchers Rick Foster and Greg Hicks decided to go to the
‘source’. They asked people - who said they were “extremely
happy”- how they defined happiness. Basically, they
heard that true happiness is a sense of well-being. Happiness
comes from knowing you can deal productively and creatively with
all that life offers – both the good and the bad. …….But, the
researchers still wanted to know how those people stay happy?
What are they doing that the rest of us aren’t?
Creating Happiness
Foster and Hicks studied
over 300 people throughout the United States and Europe, and
what they uncovered was astounding. Rich or poor, black or
white, married or single, old or young, happy people all had
something in common: every one of them created happiness by
making choices. Foster and Hicks learned that what
generates the emotion, ‘happy’, is actually a cognitive
process. All the people they spoke with learned to make
themselves happy!
It Doesn’t Follow
The authors make clear
that happy people are not ’bright and breezy’ every minute of
every day. They say, ‘One of the illogical features of
happiness is that, in order to experience life’s greatest joys,
we must sometimes experience its greatest sorrows.’
The Bottom Line
Foster and Hicks’
research concluded with two themes:
- You truly can
choose happiness – it is not a matter of luck.
- Happiness comes
from within – you can’t find it outside yourself.
The bottom line? You
have the power to create your own happiness. I heard someone
phrase it this way, “All of us who are happy have the intention
of being happy. It seems to me that intention is the key.”
Happiness – Illogical
Features
I know from my own
experience that intending to be happy after divorce sounds like
a contradiction in terms. At the center of a whirlpool of
debilitating emotions, the last thing a divorced woman can
imagine is taking charge of her rise from utter devastation.
Under these circumstances it is easy to give up thoughts of ever
being happy.
I would like to share a
story with you. The story is true.
Linda’s Story
Linda, now 56, remembers
always having a strong desire to be happy.
In her twenties she
began searching for the ‘things’ she thought would make her
happy.
She said,
I
spent many years looking for what “It” was that would make me
happy. I tried many things. I bought my share of clothes and
household items I thought would make me happy. That never did
it.
I had successful
businesses, and I had businesses that went bankrupt. That
never did “It” for me.
I tried relationships
– for a long time I thought “It” was a relationship with a
man. I tried that- over and over – and that didn’t work
either.
Then, about 10 years
ago, Linda experienced an unusually tragic set of losses. In
one twenty-four month period, her life literally unraveled. She
lost everything:
My
house burned down to the ground, leaving me with
nothing – no clothes, photos, furniture …no
material reminder of my previous life. During that time,
both of my parents died unexpectedly. My husband left me
for a younger woman at the same time that my business went
bankrupt. My best friend moved to Portland. Even the dog
died.
I was
so filled with grief I thought maybe God was somehow preparing
me to die. Maybe this was a monumental lesson in letting go and
that I should let my life go too.
But,
as my initial shock began to clear, a feeling that I wanted
to live outweighed all of my thoughts about death. I began to
see that there was hope among the ashes. There was one big
opportunity --- I had a clean slate. As long as I had to start
over and create a whole new life, I was going to create a happy
one.
I
wanted to feel whole. I wanted a feeling of contentment. I
wanted to feel unafraid – to feel I could handle anything that
came my way. In spite of my grief, I could see that this all
added up to happiness for a lifetime.
Although initially
overwhelmed by grief, Linda survived emotionally. She was able
to move through the pain and emerge as a happy person. In
discussions, Linda attributed her success to the realization,
early on, that ‘we can’t rely on anything outside of ourselves
to make us happy’; whether it’s a new car or a better love life
– the happiness that comes from within us is the one that
endures.
A quote from author Leo
Tolstoy sums it up well, “If you want to be happy, be.”
…….In coming articles I
will write about how to follow through on the intention to be
happy.
Get
personal help in a Divorce Coaching Club. Click
HERE
to learn more.
Contact Judy at:
judy@judysmithdivorcecoach.com
About the author: Judy Smith,
personal coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change,
focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create a new life
after divorce.
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